By 
Holidays are often difficult for people who have experienced the death of a loved one. The sounds, sights and smells of the holiday season may trigger feelings of sadness, loss, emptiness and anxiety. Traditionally being a time of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving, this season may bring feelings of loss different from what you experience in your daily routine. This is a common part of grieving during the holidays. We hope this blog post provides guidance and support so you can find peace throughout the holiday season.
Plan Ahead
The season is often filled with traditions and gatherings of friends and family. Take the time to consider what may be expected of you, socially and emotionally, as well as your hopes for this season. Reflect by yourself and with your loved ones about which traditions you wish to continue and those you may want to change. Remember, what you do this year may be different from what you decide to do in the future.
Inform Others of Your Needs
As you grieve during the holidays, well-meaning friends and family may try to tell you what they feel is in your best interest. It is important to focus on what is best for you. As you become aware of your needs, share them with friends and family. Be specific with them about your preferences and desires and let them know if those needs change.
Be Aware of Limitations
Grief can consume most of your available physical and emotional energy no matter what the season. The holidays place additional demands on your time and emotions. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Be realistic in the expectations you hold for yourself.
Reduce Unnecessary Stress
The holiday season can bring additional stress. It is important to be aware of your limitations so you don’t overextend yourself. Consider changing your surroundings, rituals and/or traditions to reduce stress. Limit social and family commitments to suit your available energy. Re-evaluate priorities and forego unnecessary activities and obligations. Keeping busy may distract you from your grief temporarily, but may actually increase your stress in the long run.
Talk About Your Grief
It is important to identify friends and family who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings, both happy and sad, without judgement. Be open to expressing your feelings of grief as sharing your feelings may help lessen the pain.
Ask For and Accept Help
Oftentimes, loved ones are looking for ways to provide their support. Allowing those who care about you to assist with holiday shopping, decorating, cleaning, cooking, etc. may lessen your feelings of loneliness and may even be enjoyable.
Be Gentle With Yourself
The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and thinking about where you have been and where you are. Be gentle with yourself as you think about the true meaning of the holidays. Find things around you that you are thankful for, even if they are small things. Accept the ups and downs you may experience. If you feel sadness, feel sadness. If you feel joy, feel joy. Keep taking deep breaths and take each moment as it comes.
Healing Rituals
Memories were made in love, and memories are what keep you connected to your loved one during the holiday season. As you share memories, keep in mind that memories can bring feelings of both happiness and sadness. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. The following are ideas that may bring you comfort as you remember your loved one:
- Decorate the tree with family or friends
- Place a wreath at your loved one’s gravesite
- Choose a candle or flower to be placed at the table as a remembrance
- Make a loved one’s favorite meal
- Place written memories in a box to be shared when family is together
And here is the piece by Reverend Carlson:
The Synchronicity of Grief and Gratitude
Grief and gratitude are interlocked in such a unique way. Patricia Campbell Carlson, director and senior editor of spiritualityandpractice.com, says, “Grief and gratitude are kindred souls … each pointing to the beauty of what is transient and given to us by grace.”
They are not just attitudes of mind, but require us to accept both of their gifts to know the joy of life. Grief guides us to gratitude, and gratitude guides us to an understanding of peace, and the healing power of love. Grief shows us what is important to us personally, and gratitude gives us the energy to contribute what we have learned with others, and to sit beside them in their grief. Let me share a story of how these helped me to heal.
Within a six-month span in 2004, my mother, brother, and 27-year-old daughter died. This was during my first year in ministry. Within the next year, my brother Kent decided he needed time to grieve, and he didn’t want contact with my entire family. He completely cut his wife and himself out of our lives. As a result, the grief we were experiencing rose to a new level. We were rejected with no explanation and no time frame for reconnection. We had once been a family that laughed, loved, and played together. Now it seemed gone.
Kent rejected any invitation we sent, and the rest of us shared our grief and the pain we were experiencing. We generously and lovingly remembered those who had left our lives—sharing memories, laughter, and tears. We were especially grateful for our parents—both of whom were Unity ministers—who taught us principles and how to look for the beauty in life even in the midst of drama and circumstances. We were raised to be grateful for all life offers us. How could we be grateful for Kent? We eventually realized our love for him was stronger than our anger toward him. We wanted to see him once again.
In early 2015 I received a phone call from Canada saying that my father had a military life insurance policy no one had redeemed. My Dad had passed 20 years previously, and I was just hearing about this now? I took this as a sign from my parents that reconciliation had to happen right away. I had the perfect excuse to reconnect with Kent.
Even though we lived in the same city, I had never run across Kent. I finally found him in a local hospital, dying.
Our reunion in his hospital room was amazing. Kent beamed when he saw us come in. He was able to hear how my brother had missed him and loved him. He shared with me that he felt my Mom sitting on the bed with us, and he wasn’t afraid. This message verified for me that love never dies, and we never die alone. My brother and I stayed with Kent and his wife Michelle until he left his physical body. We laughed and loved each other again. My logical, practical brother shared with me how he saw beautiful angels all around, and let me know when my Dad came for him. Michelle asked me if I could perform his memorial service. In the Silence while preparing my thoughts, I knew exactly what Kent would want me to share: Life is precious; love is eternal; gratitude is our superpower, and we never die alone.
Here is some guidance from David Kessler, one the foremost authorities on death and grieving:
