A New Way to Grieve

Since Craig died on July 10, 2017, Jerry on March 7, 2019, and my dear friend, Dee, just recently on August 22, 2109; I have read or listened to almost 100 books on death, grieving, and the afterlife.  If you have been following my blogs, you will know that I am writing my own book about a new way to grieve.  It’s the book I wished I had on July 10, 2017.

All the writer’s conferences, classes, symposiums, and conventions I have attended, have all indicated that “believe it or not” the “one-in-a-million” idea you think you have for your book has already been written.  Now the good news is that all the gurus encouraged us to continue to write our books, because they are OUR individual stories.  So, I will finish my book; but until it is completed, Tom Zuba has done a masterful job in his new book, Permission to Mourn – A New Way to Do Grief.  Tom Zuba lost his wife and two young children.  Zuba says this is the book he wishes he had when he lost his daughter, the first of his three tragic losses.

Since I moved into my new home the first of August (new to me, but built in 1930), a window seat has been beckoning me to come sit in the sun with a good book.   Today I gave myself “permission” and grabbed Permission to Mourn, my Arbonne tea,  and settled in.

The impressive Forward was done by one of my favorite authors, Gary Zukav, author of The Seat of the Soul.  Wow,  I thought, if I could only get Gary Zukav to do my Forward!  Zukav’s opening line is, “I recommend with joy Tom Zuba’s exquisite, perceptive, and profound celebration of life, Permission to Mourn.”  When I dove into chapter one, I thought the chapter started out with a poem.  (I’m a sucker for poems and had the tissue handy.)   When I finished the poem I realized I had finished the chapter.  On to chapter 2.  Then I realized the entire book is reminiscent of a giant poem.  It doesn’t rhyme, but it is poignant and beautiful – and quick!  I must have finished it in less than 2 hours.

In the beginning, Tom Zuba says he did grief the old way: repressing, denying, pretending, numbing and stuffing every feeling and every emotion that arose. He created pain on top of pain until he began searching for a new way. A new way to do grief. Once he gave himself permission to mourn, healing began. Along the way, Tom discovered that: “Grief is not the enemy. Grief can be one of our greatest teachers.  It’s the stories we tell that determine whether or not we will heal.  We will always have a relationship with the people we love that have died.  We were not born to suffer. We were born to be radiant. There is a new way to do grief.”

In my evolving book, Craig’s List for the Afterlife, I offer the 5 Spiritual Steps for healing grief:

1. Know
2. Love
3. Forgive
4. Trust
5. Flourish

KNOW that your loved one did not die.  They left their body, but their spirit – their essence – their Higher Self – their soul -their vibration, lives on for eternity.  I love what my long-time mentor, Dr. Wayne Dyer, used to say, “Your body is just the garage where you park your soul.”  Know this and know that your loved one wants to communicate with you.  They want you to know that they are still with you in spirit.  Know that you can help them.  Know that by raising your consciousness, you help them on the other side, and simultaneously, you help your own soul to grow.  Know that you will heal, even when you believe it’s impossible.

LOVE  is energy.  Science teaches us that energy can neither be created nor destroyed.  Energy can only be transferred or change from one form to another.  Therefore, love cannot be destroyed, but it can change form.  Love is all there is.  In her New York Times best-selling book, A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson states, “Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here.  The spiritual journey is the relinquishment – or unlearning – of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts.  Love is the essential existential fact.  It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth.  To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life.”  The opposite of love is fear and since love is all there is – fear does not exist.

FORGIVE is the most important word in the English language in my opinion.  I believe it is also the hardest thing to do – especially when it comes to forgiving ourselves.  Lewis B. Smedes states, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” People often don’t forgive because they think that if they do forgive, they are admitting that what happened was okay.  They are mistaken.  In forgiving we accept what transpired and we are now willing to let go of the resentment and the hurt.  It also doesn’t mean that you have to forget, but you can release it.  When you know that love never dies, you also know that it is never too late to forgive or ask for forgiveness.

TRUST your guidance and ask for signs.  There are no right and wrong decisions; only opportunities to learn.  Surrender to your higher self.  Allow things to be.  If you have doubted yourself and tended to let others determine your self-worth, you need to know that you are worthy, and you are deserving. Trust in life.  Trust in the spiritual.  Trust in your Higher Self.  Trust in you.

FLOURISH by knowing and understanding that grief is a gift. – When I first heard that grief was a gift, I was angry and furious.  How dare anyone say that!  When I was grieving I became like an onion, crying while I peeled the layers away exposing myself to myself.  When I emerged from the grieving process, I finally understood the gift of grief is not in the grief itself; but in embracing that there is life after this life AND in this life.  No pun intended, but I was scared to death to die.  Now I am not afraid to live or die.  I am flourishing.

You may want to review my ABC’s for Easing Grief as a tool to work in conjunction with the 5 spiritual stages.

As always, your comments and insights are encouraged.  Thank you!